Script of a monologue that I wrote for a friend, for auditions of one of the renowned Acting academies.
Characters: Vikram and Sneha.
Background:
Vikram is a guy from a very small town. Poverty-stricken, survival has been the biggest challenge for him and his family. At the same time, he is from a very humble background, so values hold a lot of importance for him. His parents passed out at a very small age, leaving him lonely. He has siblings but they were illiterates and much elder in age to him.. So basically Vikram was a person who was never loved by anyone. His only motivation was that he was a good student. He works hard, completes his graduation and moves to the city. Here he meets a girl through a common friend. The girl, Sneha, is an extrovert. She was brought-up in the city and has a modern outlook towards life. As they start seeing each other, Vikram starts opening up. Going out for movies, may be some clubs, tries smoking and drinking just for the sake of trying it. He falls in love with Sneha. And Sneha finds Vikram attractive, so she also has a crush on him. 1 month of courtship and Vikram expresses his feeling to Sneha. In the meantime, the parents of Sneha had started looking for alliances for her, as she had reached the marriageable age. Now Sneha had a mentality that she would marry a person of her choice. So she agrees to marry Vikram. This whole process happens in about 2 months time. So it is evident that Vikram and Sneha didn’t know each other completely. It was infatuation, or attraction which resulted in marriage. For Sneha, it was like reaching a milestone in life. Marriage was over. Now her parents wouldn’t force her and she could focus on herself and her career and her interests. For Vikram, it was like an achievement of a lifetime.
Character Description:
Vikram - Shy, introvert, with a willingness to succeed in life. A one-woman man. Commitment in whatever he does, and he loves Sneha so much that he can hardly speak a word against her.
Sneha – Happy go lucky types, her career and she herself are very important to her. Everything else comes later. She hates sitting and discussing things. Actions mean more than words to her.
The result is that there is a lack of communication between Vikram and Sneha..
Story:
As it was decided earlier, Sneha continued working after marriage. Apart from that, Sneha also continued the lifestyle she had earlier, like partying and visiting friends. But post-marriage, Vikram started developing certain expectations from her. He wanted Sneha to spend more time at home which Sneha was not very keen for. At the same time, Sneha also started realizing that marrying a commoner like Vikram, who had very traditional mentalities, was a big mistake. Neither Vikram could express his expectations nor Sneha could express that she was unhappy, since she felt it was also a mistake from her side. Days passed by. Sneha would go out with Vikram, and sometimes with other friends too. Vikram couldn’t resist the fact that her wife partied with other people, which was something very common in the environment Sneha was brought up in. 2 months passed by. The anger and frustration kept on building inside Vikram. He tried talking to Sneha, but everytime she changed the topic, by assuring that she loved Vikram – I love you baby. Just calm down. Lets have a drink..
Vikram was a one-woman man. If he was an extrovert, he could have expressed himself in a proper way or maybe befriended other women, and would have been happy. But neither could he express himself fully nor could he think of anyone else. This loneliness, anger, insecurity, frustration kept on building inside him. And one day, he found out that his wife had done an abortion without informing him. He was shocked. He asked Sneha who replied that she was sorry for not informing him. Her career meant more to her at that time frame, more than a child. She also replied – I would have to suffer to give birth. Not you. And I am not ready yet. Now just change the topic. Forget it baby. I am leaving. Have some work. Will be late.
Now this was the point where he committed suicide.
Communication was what was lacking between them. Vikram believed that once Sneha became pregnant, life would change. But it was quite different from what Sneha wanted.
Mind-frame while committing suicide:
Loved Sneha very much in-spite of what she had been doing, could not express his anger and frustration to Sneha or to anyone else, couldn’t resist the abortion, multiple bouts of depression and the final step.
Act:
Vikram is seated on a chair, holding a toy, when this act happens..
Dialogues:
Happy b’day to Sneha, happy b’day to you..I wish you were there with me today..I had been waiting for this day since long..To celebrate your first b’day after our marriage..But death..(silence for 2secs..)
It’s like I met you just the day before..This chirpy girl, full of energy and enthusiasm..It was love at first sight..And I felt that you were the only woman who could complete me..Enhance me..I remember the long walks at Juhu, the rides at Essel World, gosh it scares me when I think about it.. the time spent at parties which I only attended because of you..The one month of courtship and then our marriage..I was very happy that day..The kind of person that I am, I felt I had achieved everything..
But what went wrong that you ended up killing me..I only wanted you to spend some more time with me..I didn’t like you partying with other people..I wanted you to be there with me always..Didn’t I have the right to expect this much from you..A husband from his wife..I said yes to everything you desired, your career, your interests, your wishes, and what did you give me in return..Loneliness, frustration, anger which I could never express..I mean, how could I fight with you..I loved you so much..You never understood my feelings and for all the freedom I gave you, you killed me..
Ya ya..I know you would say that you didn’t kill me and that I committed suicide..But what was the reason?? You Sneha..It was you..You made me kill myself..How could you abort our baby?? And not even care to inform me..And then tell me that your career was more important than the child..Our child..That you were not ready to carry the pain of childbirth..How could you Sneha?? It was our baby..My baby..And you killed it..This toy that I have, I liked it so much that I kept it for our child. What should I do with it..Tell me..Throw it away..Just like my child.. (Silence)
What a mad I am..Crying on your b’day..Happy b’day Sneha..
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Semi-Fiction
Prologue -
Me, a frustrated employee of an IT company, who believes work sucks, drinks alternate weekends, curses every minute and is not happy with anything in life.
20000 employees in the campus where I work, out of which around 35% are women. And out of this 7000 odd, some 5000 are in my age group. So there is a fair probability that I might have seen some 4000 of them at least once.
I travel by the BMTC bus, back and forth between Madivala and Electronic City, the location of my workplace.
I didn't believe in love at first sight until 1 Mar 2009, 8pm, when as usual, while returning from work, I got into a bus.
I saw her for the first time in a local bus. I don't know what happened but for the first time I felt like the world had suddenly become mute. Yes, she was the girl for whom I had been waiting. Not that she was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. But there was something that held me still. A strange calm on her face, a sense of confidence or was it her beauty, I didn't know. But for sure, I was in love. My first love!!
It was like a dream until my mute world came crashing down with the bus conductor's harsh voice. I wanted to slap him for this, but his fiery eyes and hefty body made me change my decision. I paid the charge and looked ahead. She sat on one of those seats reserved for women and there was one vacant seat beside her. I walked ahead but couldn't sit on it thinking that it would make it impossible for me to look at her if I sat. While she gazed out through the window, small strands of her hair befriended with the blowing wind played all across her face. I realized she was fair as there was a complexion difference between her hair and her skin. There was a dazzle in her eyes, that of a child seeing the world for the first time and everything seeming to be new. Occasionally she would close her eyes and enjoy the lovely wind. And then she would pull the strands back with her index finger. She wore a nice earring, neither too big, nor too small, just the way I liked. And no rings in her fingers meant probably she was single. She was dressed in a black salwar kameez with white patterns and carried a small handbag.
“Oh God!! What is happening to me. The emotionally strong guy that I am is enjoying the sight of a girls hair blowing in the wind. There is a vacant seat and I have been standing all through. 8kms and I haven't taken my eyes off her. And I have a client call in another 20 mins. I should be thinking about the issues to be discussed and I am enjoying seeing a girl I didn’t know”, I started cursing myself but then stopped when she stood up. The next stop is where I had to get down, is she going to get down there? Forgetting all the clients and all the bladdy phone calls, I crossed my fingers.
Yes. She got down at the stop and so did I. And I started following her. A faint perfume trailed on the path she walked on. And I made a silent prayer.
“God, please do something so that I could talk to her. Make her trip on a stone and fall, but do not hurt her. Do something.”
And then there are these moments when you turn from a fanatic to a complete believer. Something slipped from her handbag and she didn't realize it. As I moved ahead, I realized it was her I-Card.
Shalini Gupta. Working in the same company as I.
“God!! I always knew you were there. I can feel you. Thanks a lot. But how come I had never seen her even once.” Ignoring the thoughts, I started moving towards her. As I increased my pace, my heart started thumping furiously. I felt like someone was hitting with a hammer from the inside of my heart. I felt nervous and her perfume further increased my nervousness.
I said: “Excuse me”
She turned around and looked at me. She did not have an irritated or indifferent look on her face, like other girls. Instead there was a smile which made me even more nervous.
Shalini: “Yes”
Me: “You dropped your I-Card”
I stretched my hand to give it to her.
Shalini: “Oh. Thanks”
Me: “So, you also work with WCS”
Shalini: “Yes. But did you say also? Do you work with WCS?”
Me: “Yes. EC office”
Shalini: “What a coincidence. Me too”
And then started the conversations hovering around projects and accounts and managers. And just when I thought I was getting comfortable talking to her, I got the dreaded client call.
Huh!! Cursing the clients I took an excuse and we parted.
For the first time after college, I didn't feel like sleeping that night. All I could think was she. Her face, strands of hair, the perfume, her voice..Ahh!! I was surely in love. I put on my ear-phones, and started listening to a couple of romantic English numbers. And my emotions multiplied with each song. My engineering brain responded back with an equation: Emotions are directly proportional to the number of English romantic songs heard. I don't know what time I slept. But when I woke up, I felt terribly exhausted. I rushed to my office and gathered as much information about her as I could from the intranet. I could have written an essay on her if you had asked me to. And that day, I didn't go out for lunch with my friends. Instead I waited near her workspace building to catch a glimpse of her, but in vain. Maybe she had skipped lunch or something. I didn't know. I waited impatiently for the office hours to get over, with a hope of meeting her at the bus stop. I waited at the stop from 7 till 9pm. But she didn't come. Maybe she had left at 6.
Huh!! With a heavy heart I returned to my room with the promise of being there at 6 the next day. And I did so. I reached there sharp at 6. Impatience increasing every second, I ate whatever I could lay my hands on, near the bus stop. I had roasted nuts, nariyal paani and don't remember what else while waiting for her. Finally she came at around 8 and I walked towards her.
Me: “Hi”
Shalini: “Oh hi. How are you”
Me: “Ya am fine. How are you doing”
Conversations started and we got into a bus. My guess was partially correct. The previous day she had skipped lunch but had returned by the 10pm cab. And she stayed in a PG near my room. Gradually the talks shifted from projects to movies and other interests and I thanked God every time our likes matched. She liked SRK as did I. Kajol was our favourite. She hated staying late at office. And she liked new songs as she felt old ones hurt her reminding her of old memories. Unbelievable. It was like as if she was telling me what I wanted to say to her. For sure, she was the girl. As I bid her goodbye near the PG, for the first time in my life, I asked a girl her phone number. And she gave it to me without hesitation. I told her a partial lie though. I said that it was boring traveling alone to office. So it would be great if I got company. But the reality was that I wanted to be there with her every minute every second.
The next morning I called her up and we met at the bus stop. And our trips to office and back to our rooms began. I started lying to my friends and going out for lunch with her. I was there with her for breakfast, lunch, snacks except the dinner which was cooked in my room while she had it in her PG. Shalini was into a support project where-in someone had to be present at all times for monitoring purposes. So she never got company for lunch. And she had joined the company two weeks back so she didn't have any friends. Basically she was a loner like me. And within a week we became very good friends and came to know a lot about each other.
Shalini was an orphan and was brought up in an orphanage in Jabalpur. I didn't how to react when I heard this. The immature guy that I was, I became happy for a second that there won't be any problems from family side if I were to marry her, as happens in most of the cases. The next minute I realized what all she had missed in her life and I cursed myself. I wanted to give her a hug. Instead I held her hands and comforted her. She had studied all her life with the help of scholarships that she got. Every month she sent one-fourth of her salary to the orphanage. This generated a lot of respect in me for her. And I did something very funny. We were in a bus when she told me about this. I stood up and saluted her. Amidst the confused faces of fellow passengers, I could see her embarrassment. She asked me to sit quietly which I did without any hesitation. How could I refuse her?
Days passed by while our trips continued. The floodgates of the emotions which I had locked in my heart long back were slowly getting opened. From the frustrated foul-mouthed loner that was me, I was getting transformed into a mature, satisfied and a happy human being. There were a couple of incidents that changed me a lot.
Shalini wanted to visit my room and one day I let her do that. Being a bachelor and a frustrated one, I lacked the conscience of neatness. I used to wash my clothes regularly but my room was in a complete mess.
She asked me : “Would you be happy if tomorrow your child had to live in such a mess? How would your parents feel if they saw this place?” And I had no answer.
Quietly and shamelessly I attempted helping her as she took lead and transformed my room into something unimaginable, at-least according to my standards. And I promised her that I would always keep it the same. If someone else had told me this, I would have cursed the person. But it was Shalini. I don’t know what she said was good or not, but I didn't want to go against her. Later in the evening my roommates were amazed with the whole thing. One of them ended up asking me: “Are you okay? What has happened to you?” I wish I could tell him that I was in love and it was not me who had transformed our room.
Two months had passed since I had met her and we used to meet every day. On weekends we used to go out to old-age homes, orphanages or go out to parks and talk. If I was out of town, we would talk on phone. We were in touch everyday. Occasionally we used to have golgappas which she loved a lot.
It had been two months since I had been in love and I hadn't expressed it yet. I feared that she might react differently. But this whole thing had started becoming a burden for me. And I decided that I had to express it to her. I took her to Lalbagh. The height of the hillock and the winds created the perfect ambiance. And after sunset, when people started disappearing, I told her everything that I felt. Once I had said everything, she stood up and walked two steps ahead. And I got really scared.
“Did I hurt her? Will she never talk to me? Oh shit!! What have I done.”
With all these thoughts, I stepped towards her and was shocked to see tears in her eyes. I almost had an attack of depression. But what happened next saved me from fixing an appointment with a psychiatrist. She came towards me with a smile on her face and gave me a hug. All the tensions and worries were soothed in a second. Her eyes and her tears had spoken everything. And I remember, it was the night that I had slept the happiest.
There is another incident which happened a month after I had expressed my feelings to her. One of my friends was getting married and we had a bachelor's party planned out. I had not told Shalini about this as I didn't want her to know about my drinking habits and wild partying. When I was on a high, as usual she called me on my cellphone. I disconnected her call. It happened a second time. The third time I switched off my cellphone as I was too high to realize what I was doing. I had a rocking time at the party. The next morning I woke up pretty late and I realized something that I should have done.
Gosh!! I had not called up Shalini. I immediately dialed her number. She replied she was in office and disconnected the call. From her tone, I could sense that something was wrong. So as soon as I reached office, I went to her workplace and called her up again. I said I wanted to talk to her and she told me to wait in the adjoining conference room. I did as she said and waited. And when she came, what I saw hurt me a lot. She had swollen eyes and a heavy voice. I realized she had been sobbing the previous night while I was on a high and enjoying myself. And this sense of realization made a small tear emerge out of my left eye. I don't know what she did was right or what I did was wrong, I knew only one thing. I had done something that I would never do consciously - hurt her. And that party was the last time I drank. Alcohol reminded me of the guilt of hurting Shalini and I could never drink again.
Slowly and slowly I was getting transformed from the animal I was to the person every parent want their child to be. I quit smoking, drinking, started becoming neater, wearing ironed clothes, clean shoes, talking politely to everyone, helping others. Huh!! I had started living. And I had made strange promises to her, like never to get depressed whatsoever, never cry, always be happy, keep helping others and on and on. And I dared not break a promise. During this phase of my life, I had become alienated from my friends but I was happy. I told them the truth that I was in love and they were happier for me. I stopped cursing. Everything had started looking so beautiful in this world. My concentration had suddenly increased at my workplace and my manager could not have been happier. I don't know what was happening but for sure I was happy. And so was Shalini. And the people around me. In a small happy world.
Though I still had a couple of years to get married, one day I proposed to her. She had a small laugh and told me to focus on my career.
She said: “Your career has just started. Focus on that now. Anyways I am there with you”
I felt stupid for asking such a question but I had become habituated to expressing myself. I could no longer hide a thing from her. Even if it was not of much importance, I made it a point to tell her everything. Maybe there was a trust between us of not hiding anything. Six months had passed since I had met her. And then one day my happy world came crashing down.
One morning I called up Shalini but her phone was switched off. I tried calling her up the whole day but she didn't pick up. I was feeling tensed but since I had promised her, I tried to stay calm. In the evening I went to her workplace, and waited patiently. After around an hour, one of her team-mates whom I knew, came out. I asked her about Shalini and then what I heard shocked me like hell.
The previous day was Shalini's last working day. She had quit the job two months ago. And she never told me about it. I mean how could she. I got completely pissed off, shocked and angry, but as I had promised her, I calmed down and rushed to her PG. She had vacated the room this morning. To where, no one knew. She had left me a message: “Keep your promises. Bye.”
I was really getting mad. Where could she have gone to? Jabalpur? But I didn't have any contact number. Or was there no orphanage at all? Did she lie to me? Did she go back to her native place, to her parents? I didn't know. I didn’t know anything.
For the first time in my life I felt helpless. I wanted to cry but couldn't. I wanted to curse but couldn't. I was hurt by the same girl who had taught me how to live. All the promises that I had made to her prevented me from doing anything to vent out. There was nothing I could do to find her. Nevertheless I started. I tried to inquire about all outgoing flights, trains and bus details for passenger information but in vain. What complaint could I lodge for someone whose history was unknown to me and to whom I was not officially related. For someone who had quit her job and gone somewhere without informing me. I didn't know where she was, in what condition she was, if she was…God forbid. I had promised her that I won’t let negative thoughts cross my mind come what may. I stayed calm and still.
Why did she do like that? Did she want to run away from me? What was it that made her do this? I shared all my thoughts with her and she hid such a big thing from me, and that too for the last two months. I wished I had died instead of seeing this day, but I had promised her that I would never hurt myself. A week went by and I became lifeless. I smiled at people because I had promised Shalini, I pretended to be happy because I had promised her. My friends came to know about this whole thing but none could help me. There was nothing they could do. On their initiative, we went to a temple one evening. There was some havana going on and the sanctum sanctorum had become full of fumes. And in those fumes I couldn't control myself and I broke down. What my friends thought was caused due to the irritation of the fumes was actually because I was crying. I believed that even if Shalini saw me she wouldn't know that I was crying. Or maybe she could feel. I don't know. But definitely I needed a vent to those emotions which were choking me. And that was the last time I cried.
It’s been almost a year now since I saw her for the first time. With our anniversary on the 1st of March, I miss her. And I miss all the love and affection she used to shower upon me. I don’t know where she went and why she left me. Maybe she was an angel who had come to my life to teach me how to live. The space that she had created in my heart will always remain vacant. She had taught me a way to live and I promise to follow that. And the promises I made her are the ones that have helped me resist her absence. I wish I had made her promise a couple of things, at least a promise to be there with me forever. I wish.
But life goes on. I promise to live a healthy, responsible and a happy life and I promise to love you till my last breath. My angel, Shalini - I love you.
Me, a frustrated employee of an IT company, who believes work sucks, drinks alternate weekends, curses every minute and is not happy with anything in life.
20000 employees in the campus where I work, out of which around 35% are women. And out of this 7000 odd, some 5000 are in my age group. So there is a fair probability that I might have seen some 4000 of them at least once.
I travel by the BMTC bus, back and forth between Madivala and Electronic City, the location of my workplace.
I didn't believe in love at first sight until 1 Mar 2009, 8pm, when as usual, while returning from work, I got into a bus.
I saw her for the first time in a local bus. I don't know what happened but for the first time I felt like the world had suddenly become mute. Yes, she was the girl for whom I had been waiting. Not that she was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. But there was something that held me still. A strange calm on her face, a sense of confidence or was it her beauty, I didn't know. But for sure, I was in love. My first love!!
It was like a dream until my mute world came crashing down with the bus conductor's harsh voice. I wanted to slap him for this, but his fiery eyes and hefty body made me change my decision. I paid the charge and looked ahead. She sat on one of those seats reserved for women and there was one vacant seat beside her. I walked ahead but couldn't sit on it thinking that it would make it impossible for me to look at her if I sat. While she gazed out through the window, small strands of her hair befriended with the blowing wind played all across her face. I realized she was fair as there was a complexion difference between her hair and her skin. There was a dazzle in her eyes, that of a child seeing the world for the first time and everything seeming to be new. Occasionally she would close her eyes and enjoy the lovely wind. And then she would pull the strands back with her index finger. She wore a nice earring, neither too big, nor too small, just the way I liked. And no rings in her fingers meant probably she was single. She was dressed in a black salwar kameez with white patterns and carried a small handbag.
“Oh God!! What is happening to me. The emotionally strong guy that I am is enjoying the sight of a girls hair blowing in the wind. There is a vacant seat and I have been standing all through. 8kms and I haven't taken my eyes off her. And I have a client call in another 20 mins. I should be thinking about the issues to be discussed and I am enjoying seeing a girl I didn’t know”, I started cursing myself but then stopped when she stood up. The next stop is where I had to get down, is she going to get down there? Forgetting all the clients and all the bladdy phone calls, I crossed my fingers.
Yes. She got down at the stop and so did I. And I started following her. A faint perfume trailed on the path she walked on. And I made a silent prayer.
“God, please do something so that I could talk to her. Make her trip on a stone and fall, but do not hurt her. Do something.”
And then there are these moments when you turn from a fanatic to a complete believer. Something slipped from her handbag and she didn't realize it. As I moved ahead, I realized it was her I-Card.
Shalini Gupta. Working in the same company as I.
“God!! I always knew you were there. I can feel you. Thanks a lot. But how come I had never seen her even once.” Ignoring the thoughts, I started moving towards her. As I increased my pace, my heart started thumping furiously. I felt like someone was hitting with a hammer from the inside of my heart. I felt nervous and her perfume further increased my nervousness.
I said: “Excuse me”
She turned around and looked at me. She did not have an irritated or indifferent look on her face, like other girls. Instead there was a smile which made me even more nervous.
Shalini: “Yes”
Me: “You dropped your I-Card”
I stretched my hand to give it to her.
Shalini: “Oh. Thanks”
Me: “So, you also work with WCS”
Shalini: “Yes. But did you say also? Do you work with WCS?”
Me: “Yes. EC office”
Shalini: “What a coincidence. Me too”
And then started the conversations hovering around projects and accounts and managers. And just when I thought I was getting comfortable talking to her, I got the dreaded client call.
Huh!! Cursing the clients I took an excuse and we parted.
For the first time after college, I didn't feel like sleeping that night. All I could think was she. Her face, strands of hair, the perfume, her voice..Ahh!! I was surely in love. I put on my ear-phones, and started listening to a couple of romantic English numbers. And my emotions multiplied with each song. My engineering brain responded back with an equation: Emotions are directly proportional to the number of English romantic songs heard. I don't know what time I slept. But when I woke up, I felt terribly exhausted. I rushed to my office and gathered as much information about her as I could from the intranet. I could have written an essay on her if you had asked me to. And that day, I didn't go out for lunch with my friends. Instead I waited near her workspace building to catch a glimpse of her, but in vain. Maybe she had skipped lunch or something. I didn't know. I waited impatiently for the office hours to get over, with a hope of meeting her at the bus stop. I waited at the stop from 7 till 9pm. But she didn't come. Maybe she had left at 6.
Huh!! With a heavy heart I returned to my room with the promise of being there at 6 the next day. And I did so. I reached there sharp at 6. Impatience increasing every second, I ate whatever I could lay my hands on, near the bus stop. I had roasted nuts, nariyal paani and don't remember what else while waiting for her. Finally she came at around 8 and I walked towards her.
Me: “Hi”
Shalini: “Oh hi. How are you”
Me: “Ya am fine. How are you doing”
Conversations started and we got into a bus. My guess was partially correct. The previous day she had skipped lunch but had returned by the 10pm cab. And she stayed in a PG near my room. Gradually the talks shifted from projects to movies and other interests and I thanked God every time our likes matched. She liked SRK as did I. Kajol was our favourite. She hated staying late at office. And she liked new songs as she felt old ones hurt her reminding her of old memories. Unbelievable. It was like as if she was telling me what I wanted to say to her. For sure, she was the girl. As I bid her goodbye near the PG, for the first time in my life, I asked a girl her phone number. And she gave it to me without hesitation. I told her a partial lie though. I said that it was boring traveling alone to office. So it would be great if I got company. But the reality was that I wanted to be there with her every minute every second.
The next morning I called her up and we met at the bus stop. And our trips to office and back to our rooms began. I started lying to my friends and going out for lunch with her. I was there with her for breakfast, lunch, snacks except the dinner which was cooked in my room while she had it in her PG. Shalini was into a support project where-in someone had to be present at all times for monitoring purposes. So she never got company for lunch. And she had joined the company two weeks back so she didn't have any friends. Basically she was a loner like me. And within a week we became very good friends and came to know a lot about each other.
Shalini was an orphan and was brought up in an orphanage in Jabalpur. I didn't how to react when I heard this. The immature guy that I was, I became happy for a second that there won't be any problems from family side if I were to marry her, as happens in most of the cases. The next minute I realized what all she had missed in her life and I cursed myself. I wanted to give her a hug. Instead I held her hands and comforted her. She had studied all her life with the help of scholarships that she got. Every month she sent one-fourth of her salary to the orphanage. This generated a lot of respect in me for her. And I did something very funny. We were in a bus when she told me about this. I stood up and saluted her. Amidst the confused faces of fellow passengers, I could see her embarrassment. She asked me to sit quietly which I did without any hesitation. How could I refuse her?
Days passed by while our trips continued. The floodgates of the emotions which I had locked in my heart long back were slowly getting opened. From the frustrated foul-mouthed loner that was me, I was getting transformed into a mature, satisfied and a happy human being. There were a couple of incidents that changed me a lot.
Shalini wanted to visit my room and one day I let her do that. Being a bachelor and a frustrated one, I lacked the conscience of neatness. I used to wash my clothes regularly but my room was in a complete mess.
She asked me : “Would you be happy if tomorrow your child had to live in such a mess? How would your parents feel if they saw this place?” And I had no answer.
Quietly and shamelessly I attempted helping her as she took lead and transformed my room into something unimaginable, at-least according to my standards. And I promised her that I would always keep it the same. If someone else had told me this, I would have cursed the person. But it was Shalini. I don’t know what she said was good or not, but I didn't want to go against her. Later in the evening my roommates were amazed with the whole thing. One of them ended up asking me: “Are you okay? What has happened to you?” I wish I could tell him that I was in love and it was not me who had transformed our room.
Two months had passed since I had met her and we used to meet every day. On weekends we used to go out to old-age homes, orphanages or go out to parks and talk. If I was out of town, we would talk on phone. We were in touch everyday. Occasionally we used to have golgappas which she loved a lot.
It had been two months since I had been in love and I hadn't expressed it yet. I feared that she might react differently. But this whole thing had started becoming a burden for me. And I decided that I had to express it to her. I took her to Lalbagh. The height of the hillock and the winds created the perfect ambiance. And after sunset, when people started disappearing, I told her everything that I felt. Once I had said everything, she stood up and walked two steps ahead. And I got really scared.
“Did I hurt her? Will she never talk to me? Oh shit!! What have I done.”
With all these thoughts, I stepped towards her and was shocked to see tears in her eyes. I almost had an attack of depression. But what happened next saved me from fixing an appointment with a psychiatrist. She came towards me with a smile on her face and gave me a hug. All the tensions and worries were soothed in a second. Her eyes and her tears had spoken everything. And I remember, it was the night that I had slept the happiest.
There is another incident which happened a month after I had expressed my feelings to her. One of my friends was getting married and we had a bachelor's party planned out. I had not told Shalini about this as I didn't want her to know about my drinking habits and wild partying. When I was on a high, as usual she called me on my cellphone. I disconnected her call. It happened a second time. The third time I switched off my cellphone as I was too high to realize what I was doing. I had a rocking time at the party. The next morning I woke up pretty late and I realized something that I should have done.
Gosh!! I had not called up Shalini. I immediately dialed her number. She replied she was in office and disconnected the call. From her tone, I could sense that something was wrong. So as soon as I reached office, I went to her workplace and called her up again. I said I wanted to talk to her and she told me to wait in the adjoining conference room. I did as she said and waited. And when she came, what I saw hurt me a lot. She had swollen eyes and a heavy voice. I realized she had been sobbing the previous night while I was on a high and enjoying myself. And this sense of realization made a small tear emerge out of my left eye. I don't know what she did was right or what I did was wrong, I knew only one thing. I had done something that I would never do consciously - hurt her. And that party was the last time I drank. Alcohol reminded me of the guilt of hurting Shalini and I could never drink again.
Slowly and slowly I was getting transformed from the animal I was to the person every parent want their child to be. I quit smoking, drinking, started becoming neater, wearing ironed clothes, clean shoes, talking politely to everyone, helping others. Huh!! I had started living. And I had made strange promises to her, like never to get depressed whatsoever, never cry, always be happy, keep helping others and on and on. And I dared not break a promise. During this phase of my life, I had become alienated from my friends but I was happy. I told them the truth that I was in love and they were happier for me. I stopped cursing. Everything had started looking so beautiful in this world. My concentration had suddenly increased at my workplace and my manager could not have been happier. I don't know what was happening but for sure I was happy. And so was Shalini. And the people around me. In a small happy world.
Though I still had a couple of years to get married, one day I proposed to her. She had a small laugh and told me to focus on my career.
She said: “Your career has just started. Focus on that now. Anyways I am there with you”
I felt stupid for asking such a question but I had become habituated to expressing myself. I could no longer hide a thing from her. Even if it was not of much importance, I made it a point to tell her everything. Maybe there was a trust between us of not hiding anything. Six months had passed since I had met her. And then one day my happy world came crashing down.
One morning I called up Shalini but her phone was switched off. I tried calling her up the whole day but she didn't pick up. I was feeling tensed but since I had promised her, I tried to stay calm. In the evening I went to her workplace, and waited patiently. After around an hour, one of her team-mates whom I knew, came out. I asked her about Shalini and then what I heard shocked me like hell.
The previous day was Shalini's last working day. She had quit the job two months ago. And she never told me about it. I mean how could she. I got completely pissed off, shocked and angry, but as I had promised her, I calmed down and rushed to her PG. She had vacated the room this morning. To where, no one knew. She had left me a message: “Keep your promises. Bye.”
I was really getting mad. Where could she have gone to? Jabalpur? But I didn't have any contact number. Or was there no orphanage at all? Did she lie to me? Did she go back to her native place, to her parents? I didn't know. I didn’t know anything.
For the first time in my life I felt helpless. I wanted to cry but couldn't. I wanted to curse but couldn't. I was hurt by the same girl who had taught me how to live. All the promises that I had made to her prevented me from doing anything to vent out. There was nothing I could do to find her. Nevertheless I started. I tried to inquire about all outgoing flights, trains and bus details for passenger information but in vain. What complaint could I lodge for someone whose history was unknown to me and to whom I was not officially related. For someone who had quit her job and gone somewhere without informing me. I didn't know where she was, in what condition she was, if she was…God forbid. I had promised her that I won’t let negative thoughts cross my mind come what may. I stayed calm and still.
Why did she do like that? Did she want to run away from me? What was it that made her do this? I shared all my thoughts with her and she hid such a big thing from me, and that too for the last two months. I wished I had died instead of seeing this day, but I had promised her that I would never hurt myself. A week went by and I became lifeless. I smiled at people because I had promised Shalini, I pretended to be happy because I had promised her. My friends came to know about this whole thing but none could help me. There was nothing they could do. On their initiative, we went to a temple one evening. There was some havana going on and the sanctum sanctorum had become full of fumes. And in those fumes I couldn't control myself and I broke down. What my friends thought was caused due to the irritation of the fumes was actually because I was crying. I believed that even if Shalini saw me she wouldn't know that I was crying. Or maybe she could feel. I don't know. But definitely I needed a vent to those emotions which were choking me. And that was the last time I cried.
It’s been almost a year now since I saw her for the first time. With our anniversary on the 1st of March, I miss her. And I miss all the love and affection she used to shower upon me. I don’t know where she went and why she left me. Maybe she was an angel who had come to my life to teach me how to live. The space that she had created in my heart will always remain vacant. She had taught me a way to live and I promise to follow that. And the promises I made her are the ones that have helped me resist her absence. I wish I had made her promise a couple of things, at least a promise to be there with me forever. I wish.
But life goes on. I promise to live a healthy, responsible and a happy life and I promise to love you till my last breath. My angel, Shalini - I love you.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
MiSF!T - Level 1
Everything has a purpose. Every decision you take has a reason. What was my reason for joining MiSF!T?
‘Why do you want to join Level1?’ This was the obvious question that I was asked during my interview. I had two answers back then. And I was truthful to every word. One – ‘I feel being in touch with your creative side is very satisfying.’ Two – ‘I can feel some inner voice telling me to go ahead and join this course.’ And this is how it started. Now let me tell you something about myself. I had never been on stage earlier, except as a volunteer during college fests. Art form was something that I was miles away from. Some inhibitions or the other had kept me away. Far away. Whenever I used to see someone perform, be it a drama or dance or anything, I always used to think - ‘How lucky these guys are. Talented ones. I wish I could become one of them.’ But thinking never helps in these cases. What one needs, I believe, is to take the first step. Taking that first step is the most difficult, and the most critical one.
It was sometime in early 2009 that I came across a blog: anuragjain.blogspot.com. This blog contained information about upcoming events in Bangalore. And one day, I came across this info about an Acting Course for Beginners. Curious to know more about it, I registered for the online egroup, Misf!t Play Pals. I also sent a couple of mails to get the course details, all out of curiosity. And then sometime in April, I got this mail about a show, a public presentation by students of Level1. The show was titled ‘Shattered: Shaadi Ke Tukde’. I had never seen anything of this kind, apart from a couple of exaggerated dramas in college. Performance by students of an acting course, now this sounded something interesting. But I was undecided as I had my MBA coaching classes at Koramangala clashing with the show timings. I wanted to be there for the presentation. And I didn’t want to miss my class as well. I got into one of the 201 series BMTC buses which goes to MGRoad via Koramangala and I had to get down at NGV. 10mins. of journey, strong urges, an inner struggle and I had decided. I didn’t get down at NGV. Instead decided to bunk the class and go for the show at Tunbridge High School, Infantry Road. I don’t know what I did was correct or not but what followed that evening was simply magic. The performances, the energy, the ‘Take Hands’ before the show, and most of all a teacher supporting his students at every step during the audience feedback session, Mr. Ratan Thakore Grant. Combine all these, and this is what I realized much later, was my motivation for joining MiSF!T. The show ended, but it had started something very unique in me. An urge to be there on the stage. In front of public. And deliver a performance some day. I took the first step and got registered for L1. The classes getting shifted to Koramangala was a relief, but being there on one of the weekdays seemed difficult considering the fact that the two years of my life that I had spent in IT, all my projects had been Fixed Price Development projects, which meant stricter deadlines, late-nights and working on weekends. For the first time I had decided to defy the project norms. I will work and I will work hard. But one day of the week, I need to leave early come what may. I deserve the right to decide as to what to do with at-least one day every week of my precious life. These were the thoughts that were going on within me. And worst, I couldn’t share this whole thing with my colleagues because I knew people out there would get pissed off. An IT guy going for an Acting course!! Till date I get to see shocked faces when I tell people about it. Anyways, the first milestone had been achieved. And I reached my first class.
This was the first time that I was meeting people of so many varied professions under one roof. IT guys(even Managers), Models, Architects, Teachers, Entrepreneurs, Fashion Designers, Students. Huh!! Quite something to digest in the first place. This was the introduction class where-in we had to pair up with a batch-mate and gather information about him/her. Then we had to share the same in the class. And we had to listen carefully to each of the groups and note down our perception of the person, the purpose behind it we came to know much later. What I felt then was that my purpose of joining this course was not as clear as others. Almost everyone had a very strong reason for the same. Anyways, the sessions followed and we learnt the basics of Breathing, Voice and Concentration. The statue and the thief exercise, where-in you become a statue and others try to break your concentration without touching you, will always remain special. My concentration didn’t break and I got the first compliment- ’This guy is really good’. One simple line and it was the first boost of confidence. We went ahead with Dialogues, Stage positions, Stage movements, and then our first performance with the standard set of dialogues. It was interesting to see groups come up with such nice themes using the same set of dialogues. Then we went ahead with the definitions of Acting, the equation of Method Acting, Gestures, Mannerisms, and landed up in ‘Creating Characters’. For this performance we had to get out on the streets with partners. Say I found some person interesting as a character to be played, my partner would ask the person a couple of questions on any evocative topic. And I had to observe and perform like the person had replied to the questions. This was an important exercise in observation. Though the character that I performed on was not completely real, I got another nice compliment- ’It sometimes amazes me that a guy who sits so silently in the class comes up with such a performance.’ It was another booster. And that was the day I realized that Acting is addictive. I was developing a certain addiction for Acting, an urge to be there on the stage and perform. After that started the series of Improvisation sessions. I realized that the faster you think, the better prepared you are to perform. And this is what was and still lacks a lot in me. The creativity that was projected after those one-minute gaps between the situation we were given to perform and the performance itself was really amazing. We moved ahead with Mime, Pantomime and Using Space. And then came across the most-awaited Blind-folded/Trust exercise followed by sessions on Characters and Stage Management, the Stage Set-up and Stage Lighting. And now the time had come for an important landmark.
The Grading, the test of what we had been learning since the last couple of months. Because of some circumstances, my grading got screwed up. But the words- ’From the snippets that I saw, if I had to grade Amit, I would give him a 10+.’ was a relief. One important thing which got registered that day was the fact that you cannot stop while performing till you reach the end. A play is a ‘Single Take’ thing. There is no scope for pausing once you have started. Post-Grading started the preparation for the final landmark, the Presentation. Gosh!! This was the moment I had been waiting for. A public performance. Finally the moment had come. At the same time my project had also reached a very critical stage. For the last two months, I had been leaving office every Tuesday at 5:30PM, reaching back my office at Electronic City at 10:30PM, working till midnight and then returning back to my room in Madivala. It was stressful, but it was Acting that had helped me persevere. And the last week before the presentation will always remain memorable. The studio had shifted to Bannerghatta Road and I didn’t have a bike back then. So travelling from EC, reaching the studio at around 8PM, rehearsing well past mid-night, reaching back home at around 1-3AM and then getting back to work the next morning. Frustrating at times because of lack of sleep. Frustrating even more because the fellow actors stop reacting to your performances as they see the same thing every day. You start thinking- ’Why are the fellow actors not reacting like they did the first day? Has my performance gone down?’ And these thought made me realize one very important aspect – Never stop improvising. Each time you perform, keep scope for improvisation. Do not be mechanical. The first day of the rehearsals, I could hear reactions as my team was seeing my act for the first time. We got praises. And we were so held up by those appreciations that we stopped improvising. We wanted to keep the same thing for the audience. And it became so very frustrating doing the same thing, trying to replicate. Not Act. One very good thing was that the last week made us come even closer and prepare together as a group. I also realized that as a performer, I could have any number of rehearsals and still project the energy. Juggling with work pressures and rehearsals finally came the day for which I had waited so long, the day of the Presentation. Our Presentation was titled- ‘The Disgraced’. Waiting for the audience to get seated, ‘Taking Hands’, getting into Character - it was a journey through all the phases with utmost satisfaction. We pulled off a pretty good show. And I had achieved what I had started for. This was the first time I believe that I had desperately wanted to do something and achieved it. Performed in front of an audience of 85 people. I believe if my work pressure was a bit less, I could have done a better job. But as we say, no excuses. This show also meant much more because some of my friends were not convinced with what I was doing. And the only way to make them understand was to make them watch a presentation. And I believe their perception certainly changed after this show. We were lucky to get a responsive audience. And I realized how the small responses of the audience charge up the Actors and the performances reach unforgettable limits. One of the audience feedback touched me a lot- ‘It’s always good to see what people love to do.’ A simple statement but got me completely bowled over. Apart from the performances, my friends were also touched with the same fact that I had observed during ‘Shattered’ and they ended up saying, - ‘Hats off to your teacher. He was supporting you all at every stage.’
I took a path that none whom I knew six months back, had taken or had any plans to take. It was a completely dark path with a small glimpse of light at the end. I could see the light but not the underlying hardships. As I proceeded, I opened new avenues for myself. There were moments of high as well as moments of low. Moments of happiness, sorrow, anger, frustration, exhaustion and surprise. Somehow I managed to survive and reach the end. Which in fact is the beginning of another journey. A more difficult one though. Level 2.
‘Why do you want to join Level1?’ This was the obvious question that I was asked during my interview. I had two answers back then. And I was truthful to every word. One – ‘I feel being in touch with your creative side is very satisfying.’ Two – ‘I can feel some inner voice telling me to go ahead and join this course.’ And this is how it started. Now let me tell you something about myself. I had never been on stage earlier, except as a volunteer during college fests. Art form was something that I was miles away from. Some inhibitions or the other had kept me away. Far away. Whenever I used to see someone perform, be it a drama or dance or anything, I always used to think - ‘How lucky these guys are. Talented ones. I wish I could become one of them.’ But thinking never helps in these cases. What one needs, I believe, is to take the first step. Taking that first step is the most difficult, and the most critical one.
It was sometime in early 2009 that I came across a blog: anuragjain.blogspot.com. This blog contained information about upcoming events in Bangalore. And one day, I came across this info about an Acting Course for Beginners. Curious to know more about it, I registered for the online egroup, Misf!t Play Pals. I also sent a couple of mails to get the course details, all out of curiosity. And then sometime in April, I got this mail about a show, a public presentation by students of Level1. The show was titled ‘Shattered: Shaadi Ke Tukde’. I had never seen anything of this kind, apart from a couple of exaggerated dramas in college. Performance by students of an acting course, now this sounded something interesting. But I was undecided as I had my MBA coaching classes at Koramangala clashing with the show timings. I wanted to be there for the presentation. And I didn’t want to miss my class as well. I got into one of the 201 series BMTC buses which goes to MGRoad via Koramangala and I had to get down at NGV. 10mins. of journey, strong urges, an inner struggle and I had decided. I didn’t get down at NGV. Instead decided to bunk the class and go for the show at Tunbridge High School, Infantry Road. I don’t know what I did was correct or not but what followed that evening was simply magic. The performances, the energy, the ‘Take Hands’ before the show, and most of all a teacher supporting his students at every step during the audience feedback session, Mr. Ratan Thakore Grant. Combine all these, and this is what I realized much later, was my motivation for joining MiSF!T. The show ended, but it had started something very unique in me. An urge to be there on the stage. In front of public. And deliver a performance some day. I took the first step and got registered for L1. The classes getting shifted to Koramangala was a relief, but being there on one of the weekdays seemed difficult considering the fact that the two years of my life that I had spent in IT, all my projects had been Fixed Price Development projects, which meant stricter deadlines, late-nights and working on weekends. For the first time I had decided to defy the project norms. I will work and I will work hard. But one day of the week, I need to leave early come what may. I deserve the right to decide as to what to do with at-least one day every week of my precious life. These were the thoughts that were going on within me. And worst, I couldn’t share this whole thing with my colleagues because I knew people out there would get pissed off. An IT guy going for an Acting course!! Till date I get to see shocked faces when I tell people about it. Anyways, the first milestone had been achieved. And I reached my first class.
This was the first time that I was meeting people of so many varied professions under one roof. IT guys(even Managers), Models, Architects, Teachers, Entrepreneurs, Fashion Designers, Students. Huh!! Quite something to digest in the first place. This was the introduction class where-in we had to pair up with a batch-mate and gather information about him/her. Then we had to share the same in the class. And we had to listen carefully to each of the groups and note down our perception of the person, the purpose behind it we came to know much later. What I felt then was that my purpose of joining this course was not as clear as others. Almost everyone had a very strong reason for the same. Anyways, the sessions followed and we learnt the basics of Breathing, Voice and Concentration. The statue and the thief exercise, where-in you become a statue and others try to break your concentration without touching you, will always remain special. My concentration didn’t break and I got the first compliment- ’This guy is really good’. One simple line and it was the first boost of confidence. We went ahead with Dialogues, Stage positions, Stage movements, and then our first performance with the standard set of dialogues. It was interesting to see groups come up with such nice themes using the same set of dialogues. Then we went ahead with the definitions of Acting, the equation of Method Acting, Gestures, Mannerisms, and landed up in ‘Creating Characters’. For this performance we had to get out on the streets with partners. Say I found some person interesting as a character to be played, my partner would ask the person a couple of questions on any evocative topic. And I had to observe and perform like the person had replied to the questions. This was an important exercise in observation. Though the character that I performed on was not completely real, I got another nice compliment- ’It sometimes amazes me that a guy who sits so silently in the class comes up with such a performance.’ It was another booster. And that was the day I realized that Acting is addictive. I was developing a certain addiction for Acting, an urge to be there on the stage and perform. After that started the series of Improvisation sessions. I realized that the faster you think, the better prepared you are to perform. And this is what was and still lacks a lot in me. The creativity that was projected after those one-minute gaps between the situation we were given to perform and the performance itself was really amazing. We moved ahead with Mime, Pantomime and Using Space. And then came across the most-awaited Blind-folded/Trust exercise followed by sessions on Characters and Stage Management, the Stage Set-up and Stage Lighting. And now the time had come for an important landmark.
The Grading, the test of what we had been learning since the last couple of months. Because of some circumstances, my grading got screwed up. But the words- ’From the snippets that I saw, if I had to grade Amit, I would give him a 10+.’ was a relief. One important thing which got registered that day was the fact that you cannot stop while performing till you reach the end. A play is a ‘Single Take’ thing. There is no scope for pausing once you have started. Post-Grading started the preparation for the final landmark, the Presentation. Gosh!! This was the moment I had been waiting for. A public performance. Finally the moment had come. At the same time my project had also reached a very critical stage. For the last two months, I had been leaving office every Tuesday at 5:30PM, reaching back my office at Electronic City at 10:30PM, working till midnight and then returning back to my room in Madivala. It was stressful, but it was Acting that had helped me persevere. And the last week before the presentation will always remain memorable. The studio had shifted to Bannerghatta Road and I didn’t have a bike back then. So travelling from EC, reaching the studio at around 8PM, rehearsing well past mid-night, reaching back home at around 1-3AM and then getting back to work the next morning. Frustrating at times because of lack of sleep. Frustrating even more because the fellow actors stop reacting to your performances as they see the same thing every day. You start thinking- ’Why are the fellow actors not reacting like they did the first day? Has my performance gone down?’ And these thought made me realize one very important aspect – Never stop improvising. Each time you perform, keep scope for improvisation. Do not be mechanical. The first day of the rehearsals, I could hear reactions as my team was seeing my act for the first time. We got praises. And we were so held up by those appreciations that we stopped improvising. We wanted to keep the same thing for the audience. And it became so very frustrating doing the same thing, trying to replicate. Not Act. One very good thing was that the last week made us come even closer and prepare together as a group. I also realized that as a performer, I could have any number of rehearsals and still project the energy. Juggling with work pressures and rehearsals finally came the day for which I had waited so long, the day of the Presentation. Our Presentation was titled- ‘The Disgraced’. Waiting for the audience to get seated, ‘Taking Hands’, getting into Character - it was a journey through all the phases with utmost satisfaction. We pulled off a pretty good show. And I had achieved what I had started for. This was the first time I believe that I had desperately wanted to do something and achieved it. Performed in front of an audience of 85 people. I believe if my work pressure was a bit less, I could have done a better job. But as we say, no excuses. This show also meant much more because some of my friends were not convinced with what I was doing. And the only way to make them understand was to make them watch a presentation. And I believe their perception certainly changed after this show. We were lucky to get a responsive audience. And I realized how the small responses of the audience charge up the Actors and the performances reach unforgettable limits. One of the audience feedback touched me a lot- ‘It’s always good to see what people love to do.’ A simple statement but got me completely bowled over. Apart from the performances, my friends were also touched with the same fact that I had observed during ‘Shattered’ and they ended up saying, - ‘Hats off to your teacher. He was supporting you all at every stage.’
I took a path that none whom I knew six months back, had taken or had any plans to take. It was a completely dark path with a small glimpse of light at the end. I could see the light but not the underlying hardships. As I proceeded, I opened new avenues for myself. There were moments of high as well as moments of low. Moments of happiness, sorrow, anger, frustration, exhaustion and surprise. Somehow I managed to survive and reach the end. Which in fact is the beginning of another journey. A more difficult one though. Level 2.
Monday, February 8, 2010
An unplanned trip..
With my Theater classes shifted to Sundays, my weekends are comparatively more organized now. Sunday, full day devoted to Theater. Which leaves me the complete Saturday for other things, of course if I don't get panic calls from my office. Last Saturday was one such day and I got ample time to rest. Had a nice nap after lunch, woke up at 5:45, went up to the terrace to collect the clothes that I had left for drying. And I was dumbstruck.
The weather that day was simply magical. Light rays of the sun. Cool breeze, not chilling though. It was just the weather when you would want to be away from the city, far from traffic, somewhere in the midst of nature and enjoy this bliss. An instant decision, no one to give me company, still I started. Zoomed on my bike. Towards Lalbagh.
What better place could you find to enjoy such a nice weather. And in such a short time, considering the fact that it was nearing sunset. The traffic was a spoiler. And it took me almost 20 mins. which would have taken less than 10 mins. without traffic. I reached there at around 6:20. And to my utter disappointment, the gates had already been closed. In the sudden urge to enjoy the magical weather, I had forgotten that there is a closing time as well. It was really annoying. Such a nice weather, driving through traffic only to realize that you would have to return back. Sad. There were some 40 schoolkids waiting to get in. They had some permissions I guess. I wondered if I could become a kid for a minute and join the group to gain an entry. If it was not for the strict-looking school teacher with the group, I would have definitely risked an attempt. And just when I was about to return back, I saw this aged security guard. Old, yet full of energy. And somehow I felt that maybe he could help me. I turned the bike towards him and asked :"Entry Closed." He looked at me, looked around and said:"Twenty rupees". And that’s it.
I knew I was promoting corruption but at that moment getting into Lalbagh meant more to me than anything else. I took out a twenty rupees note and moved my hand towards him. But suddenly I realized that the guard had started acting strange. He looked into some other direction, completely ignoring me. I was surprised. This man who had asked me money a couple of seconds ago was refusing to identify me. Then I looked towards my left and saw this traffic policeman observing us. And I understood. I withdrew my hand. And stayed calm for 10 secs. The policeman walked away. I gave the money. And got in through the exit gates. Parked my bike. And rushed to the top of the Peninsular Gneiss hillock inside Lalbagh. And I felt time stand still.
It was simply awesome. Visibility reducing every second, a cool breeze and a lesser crowd. The only disturbing elements were the innumerable crows inside the garden. But anyways, they were far away to create any appreciable impact with their noises and I enjoyed my solitude. Looking at the gates, the terrific traffic ahead it and I didn't getting disturbed because I couldn't hear the traffic. I was too far from the killer noise.
I waited patiently for the lights at UBCity come up one by one. The majestic towers looked magnificent from the hillock. The ambiance was just perfect for some contemplation. Things to ponder about. And I got lost in my thoughts. Preparing myself for the sad story class I had the next day. I stayed there for almost 40 mins. Then decided it was time to return back. Some unplanned trips remains so very special.
The weather that day was simply magical. Light rays of the sun. Cool breeze, not chilling though. It was just the weather when you would want to be away from the city, far from traffic, somewhere in the midst of nature and enjoy this bliss. An instant decision, no one to give me company, still I started. Zoomed on my bike. Towards Lalbagh.
What better place could you find to enjoy such a nice weather. And in such a short time, considering the fact that it was nearing sunset. The traffic was a spoiler. And it took me almost 20 mins. which would have taken less than 10 mins. without traffic. I reached there at around 6:20. And to my utter disappointment, the gates had already been closed. In the sudden urge to enjoy the magical weather, I had forgotten that there is a closing time as well. It was really annoying. Such a nice weather, driving through traffic only to realize that you would have to return back. Sad. There were some 40 schoolkids waiting to get in. They had some permissions I guess. I wondered if I could become a kid for a minute and join the group to gain an entry. If it was not for the strict-looking school teacher with the group, I would have definitely risked an attempt. And just when I was about to return back, I saw this aged security guard. Old, yet full of energy. And somehow I felt that maybe he could help me. I turned the bike towards him and asked :"Entry Closed." He looked at me, looked around and said:"Twenty rupees". And that’s it.
I knew I was promoting corruption but at that moment getting into Lalbagh meant more to me than anything else. I took out a twenty rupees note and moved my hand towards him. But suddenly I realized that the guard had started acting strange. He looked into some other direction, completely ignoring me. I was surprised. This man who had asked me money a couple of seconds ago was refusing to identify me. Then I looked towards my left and saw this traffic policeman observing us. And I understood. I withdrew my hand. And stayed calm for 10 secs. The policeman walked away. I gave the money. And got in through the exit gates. Parked my bike. And rushed to the top of the Peninsular Gneiss hillock inside Lalbagh. And I felt time stand still.
It was simply awesome. Visibility reducing every second, a cool breeze and a lesser crowd. The only disturbing elements were the innumerable crows inside the garden. But anyways, they were far away to create any appreciable impact with their noises and I enjoyed my solitude. Looking at the gates, the terrific traffic ahead it and I didn't getting disturbed because I couldn't hear the traffic. I was too far from the killer noise.
I waited patiently for the lights at UBCity come up one by one. The majestic towers looked magnificent from the hillock. The ambiance was just perfect for some contemplation. Things to ponder about. And I got lost in my thoughts. Preparing myself for the sad story class I had the next day. I stayed there for almost 40 mins. Then decided it was time to return back. Some unplanned trips remains so very special.
A passing thought..
A passing thought when you are not very passionate about the work you do..
I used to love coding. You could see a smile on my face when my code worked. Visually reflected on JSPs. Did I have the same love earlier? I reflect back. I loved coding when I was in school. Hated coding in college. And now again. After training and during the first project, it happened again. Got back my lost love. I loved it so much that I used to leave office by 9. Weekends. Holidays. I didn't mind. Do you ever mind being with the one you love. I never liked sitting and reading new technologies or attend trainings. If I had to learn anything, I could learn it only through coding. I used to love coding.
Then one day my project got over and I had to leave office early. So early that I could see the sun set. And there was a big smile on my face. A big satisfaction that I could feel. I returned back the same time the next day and on and on. And the happiness that I felt on seeing the setting sun was much more that coding. Had I changed? Or had I again come to the phase where I didn't like coding anymore? Had I liked the setting sun earlier? I look back again. Yes. I had always liked the setting sun. It was not like a phase as coding. But something that was inherent in me. From eternity.
Then one day I decided to venture out and see what those people do who don't like seeing the setting sun but still leave early. And it was interesting. Some involved in physical activities. Gymming, Aerobics, Volley, Basketball, Tennis, Badminton, Yoga. But this was in office. What about outside it? I ventured out a little further. And it was even more interesting. Like the setting sun. Or even more. I don't know yet.
Some zooming on their bikes, enjoying the breeze accompanying the setting sun. Some dancing. Some playing instruments. Some singing. Some acting. Some jogging in the midst of nature. Some chatting with friends over a coffee joint. Some reading. Some cooking. Some networking on the net. Some photographing. And yes the setting sun casts a glow that is very photogenic.
What each one was doing was his/her passion. Something that keeps the person going.
And what was I doing and am still doing? Coding? Not really. What if I can't see the setting sun. I am writing a blog. Giving a vent to my thoughts. Something that is satisfying. Like the setting sun.
- Source: An IT Engineer who thought he loved coding until he saw the outer world.
- Note: Not intended to hurt the sentiments of code lovers or others who work late to meet their commitments or otherwise.
I used to love coding. You could see a smile on my face when my code worked. Visually reflected on JSPs. Did I have the same love earlier? I reflect back. I loved coding when I was in school. Hated coding in college. And now again. After training and during the first project, it happened again. Got back my lost love. I loved it so much that I used to leave office by 9. Weekends. Holidays. I didn't mind. Do you ever mind being with the one you love. I never liked sitting and reading new technologies or attend trainings. If I had to learn anything, I could learn it only through coding. I used to love coding.
Then one day my project got over and I had to leave office early. So early that I could see the sun set. And there was a big smile on my face. A big satisfaction that I could feel. I returned back the same time the next day and on and on. And the happiness that I felt on seeing the setting sun was much more that coding. Had I changed? Or had I again come to the phase where I didn't like coding anymore? Had I liked the setting sun earlier? I look back again. Yes. I had always liked the setting sun. It was not like a phase as coding. But something that was inherent in me. From eternity.
Then one day I decided to venture out and see what those people do who don't like seeing the setting sun but still leave early. And it was interesting. Some involved in physical activities. Gymming, Aerobics, Volley, Basketball, Tennis, Badminton, Yoga. But this was in office. What about outside it? I ventured out a little further. And it was even more interesting. Like the setting sun. Or even more. I don't know yet.
Some zooming on their bikes, enjoying the breeze accompanying the setting sun. Some dancing. Some playing instruments. Some singing. Some acting. Some jogging in the midst of nature. Some chatting with friends over a coffee joint. Some reading. Some cooking. Some networking on the net. Some photographing. And yes the setting sun casts a glow that is very photogenic.
What each one was doing was his/her passion. Something that keeps the person going.
And what was I doing and am still doing? Coding? Not really. What if I can't see the setting sun. I am writing a blog. Giving a vent to my thoughts. Something that is satisfying. Like the setting sun.
- Source: An IT Engineer who thought he loved coding until he saw the outer world.
- Note: Not intended to hurt the sentiments of code lovers or others who work late to meet their commitments or otherwise.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Music
A couple of days ago, I had come across an article on the importance of music in our lives:
‘ Music is a very colorful thread woven into the entire fabric of our lives. Soon after birth we hear our first melodies as our mothers hum soothing lullabies to help us sleep. We learn nursery rhymes that are designed to both entertain and educate us in our preschool years, which help build the framework for the social and language skills we need to function in society.We’re taught music in school, and some of us participate in the school marching band, orchestra, or theater. We sing church hymns to help build our spiritual being, and patriotic songs to give us a sense of national identity. In every step of our lives music places another brick on the foundation of who we are…… ‘
But for how long in our lives does music play an important part? And do the above lines hold true for everyone? What about someone who has never gone to school? Or someone who doesn’t know what patriotism is? For someone who has spent every moment of his life just to survive? Do the above mentioned lines hold true only for the privileged ones?
I am learning guitar at one of the classes in BTM. Every weekend, after the class gets over, I hire an auto rickshaw to reach my room. Last Sunday, the same thing happened. The only difference being the conversation I had with the auto rickshaw driver. The driver knew Hindi and he started conversing.
D: So you learn guitar.Me: Yes.D: Since how long have you been learning this.Me: Its been two months now.D: What all have you learnt in these two months.
Getting into the details was pointless.So I said: Some variations of “Sa Re Ga Ma ..” and some songs.D: So what all can you play.Me: I can play a couple of songs.
Till that moment I thought the driver was interested to know more about guitar or so.But his next statement bowled me over.
D: I think learning music is a waste of time.
Whoa !! I had a man who is telling the truth, something that he really felt. Something most people wouldn’t say. Especially to someone who is learning music.But why would he make such a statement. I had to get the truth out.
Me: Oh really. And why do you think so.D: I am a married man. I have kids. I have a lot of responsibility. Can you give me one reason why I should appreciate music. From morning to night I ride my auto rickshaw to make a living. Every moment is an attempt at survival. If I had time, I would learn something that would get me more money in the future. Maybe I could learn driving other vehicles or so. But there is no place for music. Absolutely no place. After you get married and have kids, life plays a music of its own. And you don’t have any control over that. That music makes you dance to its tunes. And you have no option but to dance.
I was dumbstruck. I could cite numerous reasons as to why someone should learn music. But I had never thought it this way. Reasons not to learn music. I couldn’t refute the driver because every word he said was like reading excerpts from the book of his life.
This case was of a person who could not afford to learn music.
My uncle had been to Bangalore a month back. When he came to know that I was learning to play a guitar, the first question he asked me was: Why are you learning this?
I remember my uncle used to take part in Antaksharis and other competitions during college. But the fast lane of life had made him forget all that. Music was no more important to him.
This case is of a person who has lost the passion for music.
So what is it that enables someone to learn music? What is the driving force?Is it only passion? Or only affordability?Or is it a deadly combination of both?
‘ Music is a very colorful thread woven into the entire fabric of our lives. Soon after birth we hear our first melodies as our mothers hum soothing lullabies to help us sleep. We learn nursery rhymes that are designed to both entertain and educate us in our preschool years, which help build the framework for the social and language skills we need to function in society.We’re taught music in school, and some of us participate in the school marching band, orchestra, or theater. We sing church hymns to help build our spiritual being, and patriotic songs to give us a sense of national identity. In every step of our lives music places another brick on the foundation of who we are…… ‘
But for how long in our lives does music play an important part? And do the above lines hold true for everyone? What about someone who has never gone to school? Or someone who doesn’t know what patriotism is? For someone who has spent every moment of his life just to survive? Do the above mentioned lines hold true only for the privileged ones?
I am learning guitar at one of the classes in BTM. Every weekend, after the class gets over, I hire an auto rickshaw to reach my room. Last Sunday, the same thing happened. The only difference being the conversation I had with the auto rickshaw driver. The driver knew Hindi and he started conversing.
D: So you learn guitar.Me: Yes.D: Since how long have you been learning this.Me: Its been two months now.D: What all have you learnt in these two months.
Getting into the details was pointless.So I said: Some variations of “Sa Re Ga Ma ..” and some songs.D: So what all can you play.Me: I can play a couple of songs.
Till that moment I thought the driver was interested to know more about guitar or so.But his next statement bowled me over.
D: I think learning music is a waste of time.
Whoa !! I had a man who is telling the truth, something that he really felt. Something most people wouldn’t say. Especially to someone who is learning music.But why would he make such a statement. I had to get the truth out.
Me: Oh really. And why do you think so.D: I am a married man. I have kids. I have a lot of responsibility. Can you give me one reason why I should appreciate music. From morning to night I ride my auto rickshaw to make a living. Every moment is an attempt at survival. If I had time, I would learn something that would get me more money in the future. Maybe I could learn driving other vehicles or so. But there is no place for music. Absolutely no place. After you get married and have kids, life plays a music of its own. And you don’t have any control over that. That music makes you dance to its tunes. And you have no option but to dance.
I was dumbstruck. I could cite numerous reasons as to why someone should learn music. But I had never thought it this way. Reasons not to learn music. I couldn’t refute the driver because every word he said was like reading excerpts from the book of his life.
This case was of a person who could not afford to learn music.
My uncle had been to Bangalore a month back. When he came to know that I was learning to play a guitar, the first question he asked me was: Why are you learning this?
I remember my uncle used to take part in Antaksharis and other competitions during college. But the fast lane of life had made him forget all that. Music was no more important to him.
This case is of a person who has lost the passion for music.
So what is it that enables someone to learn music? What is the driving force?Is it only passion? Or only affordability?Or is it a deadly combination of both?
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